So it's been 9 months since this whole "let's grow our family and have a kid" plan went in place.
Am I am not getting any closer to getting pregnant since the day my husband and I started this journey. And in 2014 there's not going to be any baby.
Most of my life I was worried about not getting pregnant, and now here I am trying to get pregnant and shit ain't happening.
"What do you think your kids are going to look like?" I wish I could have one right now so we can solve this mystery.
But I'm getting nothing but negative signs everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
I am tired of peeing on my fingers on accident when trying to test my preggo sticks or test for ovulation.
I'm tired of tracking my cycle.
Tired of my parents and friends asking about it.
Tired of hearing my parents' friends asking about it.
Tired of trying new diets and regimens to fix my apparently low thyroid.
Tired of spending money on all these doctor visits.
Tired about thinking about this all the time.
Tired of crying and having tears in my eyes every time I think about this.
Am I stressed? Yes.
Am I trying to deal with my stress in a way that will be productive on this journey? Yes...well, it's easier said than done, but I am doing Kundalini yoga, eating tons of spicy food to warm my body, wearing warming jewelry, and overall just trying to eliminate as many stresses in my life as possible.
My family and friends do mean well and they do have wonderful words of encouragement for me, however, I am still a complete and utter mess. It's so hard for me to say, "Thank you I know your words come from a place of love but it hurts to hear this." The truth hurts and even encouragement stings. Especially when you feel like you have zero control of the situation.
Is the reason why I am not pregnant yet because I am terrified of being a mom that somehow my mind is not letting my body get pregnant? I grew up not being much of a baby person. I remember not even liking my little sister until she was 2 and started talking. Watching my friends and families with kids, I see so many things I admire about these awesome parents, but at the same time I question if I have it in me to give my everything. I feel like it's a watch what happens kind of situation. The only thing I that gives me hope that I'll be a good mom is how much I love and care for my dog, Cooper. He gets the best of everything and I honestly love spending time with him and teaching him new things, and watching him explore our surroundings. He's been such a blessing to my family and honestly is the reason why I want to be a mom to a human now.
My attitude towards this brutal process has changed from hope to lets-just-get-this-over-with-quickly. It's not right nor is it healthy to bring a kid into the world with these terrible thoughts, but this process is getting downright annoying and mechanical. Not even enjoyable. I feel terrible for my husband. Now he has to worry about me spiraling into this crazy funk while worrying about his swimmers.
Dealing with the pain and sadness and crazy jealousy when I see friends and family on social media flaunting their beautiful kids or announcing they are pregnant, or they post these manifestos on how parenthood's changed their lives forever has really messed with my mind. I am so happy and thrilled for all of them. For real I am. And then I feel so much guilt when I battling my own depression and supreme jealousy. Guilt Guilt Guilt. What a terribly powerful emotion. I could go off on a tangent about the power of guilt but let's save that for another blog post.
At the end of the day I WANT INTO THIS CLUB! I want to be a part of the parents club. I want to learn from others and see how my kid interacts with other kids.
*Banging on the door: LET ME IN, LET ME IN!
But it's not meant to be right now, I guess. Everyone keeps saying when the timing is right it will happen. This is so hard because I am the most impatient person I know married to the most impatience man I know.
Maybe one day I can read this blog post and laugh about it. But today I only have tears.
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